This year, I have lost more friends than I have made all my life…and it’s not even June.
Yesterday, I had a dream. The dream forced me to take another look at the friendship decisions I have made in the past months, friendships I have walked away from and why. Some made me ashamed of myself, others made me think if really when I make people my friend, I am not handing them a burden too heavy.
To start with, I do not use the term friend lightly. I do not think of people as friends just because we exchange tweets of social media or because we say a greeting on the streets, that a person visits often does not even make me think of them as friends. My friends…I have a special place for them in my heart.
A few years ago, losing a friend would make me physically sick. I would have a fever for days like I literally was going off a drug and then I would eventually get better. I think, losing friends over time has so hardened me that I don’t feel sick anymore. It has also made me very selfish.
My selfishness is a result of the fact that I have realised that no one is ever really there for you, except maybe you have a loving family. These days, I don’t allow anyone get too close to my heart. I give without any hope of receiving, I love without any hope of being loved back and when I get tired, I walk away.
If you are one of those I have walked away from, I apologise that I couldn’t stay. Maybe this is another phase in my journey. Maybe I just got tired of bothering you with my friendship’s burden. Maybe I became afraid because I trust you too much.
One thing though…if you ever were important to me, you always will be. Even if I am too proud to speak to you in person…I have a table in my heart and there I have over a dozen friends but when I set the table in reality, I dine alone.