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Should We Still Be Friends?

10 Jan

So I have been thinking of this scenario. Allow me to paint this picture in a few words. Perhaps you will see that it is a scenario you have been in, or experienced.

So you have this friend and you have been good friends. Let’s label this friend A. Then your friend has this other friend and they too have been close. Let’s label this friend B. Now ordinarily, your friends friend should be your friend, right? Now, let’s throw in the fact that friend B has done something that hurt you so deeply such that even though you have forgiven him, you still need time to heal. Would you like friend A to continue being friends with B while remaining your friend?

The issue of divided loyalty is as old as man. Adam and Eve were God’s friends until they listened to the devil. It was not possible for them to be God’s friend and the devils friend at the same time.Later Jesus would say, you cannot be a slave of God and of riches. So really, at what point would loyalty force you to cut off friendship with someone who is not a friend of your friend?

Granted, no one has a right to legislate for another who he or she should be friends with. Asking your friend to stop being friends with another simply because you both had a falling out can be seen by some as petty. Yet, there are instances where common sense dictates that you should limit your association with someone who is not friends with your friend. It really is a question of who is more important to you. I’m always talking about scale of preference. It comes down to: who is more of my friend among this two?

Some time ago, I had an altercation with someone on Twitter, before I could say Jack Robinson, three of this person’s friends had unfollowed me. At first, I felt bad about it. But upon giving it thought I realised that they did what they had to do. Obviously, a friendship with me wasn’t so high on their priority scale. So they took the side that most favoured them. They were loyal to their own person.

You may think that they did an immature thing. You may be one of those who think you can be friends with two people who do not see eye to eye because you are the bigger person. But really, I do not think it is possible for you to be very close to two people who are constantly antagonising each other. At some point, they will both wear you out. The question: whose side are you on will be a constant refrain.

But, what if you are in love with one of the parties. Let’s say your spouse has an issue with someone who let’s say has insulted them and refuses to apologise. If you and your spouse are really one can you conscientiously continue to fraternise with this person? What if for whatever reason your spouse tells you he/she does not like your association with someone, whose side will you take?

Of course, every situation is different and we cannot rule out the fact that the demands of a spouse may seem unreasonable. But, when you really think of it, does it not come down to the question: who is higher in your scale of preference?

Let’s throw in social media at this point. Should you continue to tweet at, retweet, follow or share with someone who through his actions has shown he has no regards for your mate. Should this be seen as maturity?

Remember, love does not look for its own interests but seeks the interests of the other. Of course, you can say it cuts both ways. You may say, if I am seeking your interests I should be able to realise that remaining friends with this person is important to you. But again, realise that if I have asked that you stop being friends with someone, it is actually in your interest. Would you be happy if I kept the feelings to myself and allowed it to fester until it leads to bigger problems?

So, should you really remain friends with someone if it is upsetting to your mate? Please share your views with me:)

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22 Comments

Posted by on January 10, 2014 in Relationships

 

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22 responses to “Should We Still Be Friends?

  1. highlandblue

    January 10, 2014 at 3:01 pm

    Abigail how do you manage to pack so many brilliant ideas into such a short post? This post is what engineers love to see, 100% efficiency. Please take a moment to allow your head be burst a little by my swelling admiration.

    Ah, if my friendship with you is affecting a friendship I value no one would need to tell me before I do the needful surgery. Better to lose a hand that a heart. For my spouse to even come and tell me that she isn’t comfortable with a relationship I have, for me it means things have already gone out of hand. I constantly analyse all my relationships (family and friends and work) and if I notice there is a drop in the quality of my marriage friendship as a direct result of demands being laid on me by external relationships I immediately carry out the needed surgery.

    About being mutual friends with warring enemies, it makes me laugh. Because most times I’m friends with both enemies and they don’t even know I know the other person. I just provide a listening ear and try to make each friend see from the other person’s “possible” point of view, hoping they get closer to a reconciliation. So many things to say on this post lol

     
    • anagail

      January 10, 2014 at 6:27 pm

      My head is bursting o. LOL. Thanks. I’m waiting to hear from others. Me I agree with you on this one ๐Ÿ™‚

       
  2. Yomi

    January 10, 2014 at 6:42 pm

    Q1: Should you really remain friends with someone if it is upsetting to your mate?
    A: If my mate is being unreasonable, yes; I will remain friends with that person.

    Q2: Should you continue to tweet at, retweet, follow or share with someone who through his actions has shown he has no regards for your mate?
    A: Disregard my mate, and I walk away from you. In my book, that is the “unpardonable” sin.

    Q3: Can/should I be mutual friends with warring enemies?
    A: I have been too many times, even till now. No biggie. As a rule, I let people handle their inter-personal issues..

     
    • anagail

      January 10, 2014 at 7:15 pm

      LOL. Me I sha won’t let you be friends with my enemy -_-

       
    • tiana

      January 11, 2014 at 7:01 am

      Even if the spouse is being unreasonable, bring your clear points and try to do a bit more convincing. If they still won’t budge, then cutting ties with that person is the right thing to do. Love is not self seeking and will do all within it’s ability to see the most important person in your life happy, even if it’s for reasons you term ‘frivolous’.
      I can’t say the extent I’ll be willing to go for friends though. I’ll most likely pause the less important relationship in a manner that the person doesn’t feel there’s a grudge till friend 1 comes to.

       
      • tiana

        January 11, 2014 at 7:06 am

        *Comes around

         
      • anagail

        January 11, 2014 at 7:34 am

        ๐Ÿ™‚

         
  3. Tunde

    January 11, 2014 at 6:33 am

    Interesting article, very well written too. A social media platform like twitter will always bring up these types of situations.

    In my opinion I can be friends with two parties at war and I have actually been for long without any idea of them having any issues. People will always have issues and if they are my friends I will try to resolve the issue but I will not stop being friends with either of them unless they give me reasons to do so personally.

    The issue of disregarding my wife is a no go area, you should NEVER do that if you are my friend. I am one with my wife, anyone that thinks it’s OK to disrespect/insult/disregard my wife on social media is sending me a message. They do not value me as a person. The issue of one’s spouse is on another level in my humble opinion. No friendship is that valuable in my books. Sticking with your ‘friend’ after they do that and your spouse asking you to cut ties says a lot about your value system.

    Thanks for bringing this up. So much to ponder.

     
    • anagail

      January 11, 2014 at 2:27 pm

      Well, all.the married ones seem to agree ๐Ÿ™‚

       
  4. enajyte

    January 11, 2014 at 12:45 pm

    Call me peacemaker. I always seem to be in the middle of warring parties. Thankfully my friends have learnt never to ask, ‘who’s side are you on sef?’

    I presume my spouse knows me well enough to know I don’t take sides. If you’ve done wrong I will tell you. If said spouse still asks me to end my friendship with someone, it has to be for more than just ‘we have beef.’

    I’m not married though so what do I know?

     
    • anagail

      January 11, 2014 at 12:49 pm

      Yup, what do you know ๐Ÿ™‚

       
  5. Tomisin Ajiboye

    January 11, 2014 at 2:06 pm

    The scenario is always different. I broke up a long term relationship and my close friends broke up with her over time too. This is a case of loyalty in friendship.

    If you have disregard my ‘close’ friends or mate, you have no regard for me too. It is only a matter of time before you desmonstrate your disrespect. So, I’d better stay off your tweets and RTs.

    I would be another situation if my mate or friend asked me to stay off you. I will have to see reasons deeply, of course I know where my loyalty lies. But, I may have to check both angles to determine my position and I sure will take side.

    So, friend A and B are on lock heads? They will be fine overtime. I know this.

    Nice article!

     
    • anagail

      January 11, 2014 at 2:11 pm

      Hmmm. If tour mate asked you to stay off a relationship, and you even spent time thinking whether you should it not, does that not already tell her what she needs to know. And I’m saying for any reason whatsoever.

       
      • Tomisin Ajiboye

        January 11, 2014 at 2:25 pm

        My response and itd speed will depend on her /his reasons for asking me to stay off. I go wan feed my sense of pride na. But I can’t rule out the possibility that I shall take side.

         
      • anagail

        January 11, 2014 at 2:26 pm

        LOL

         
  6. poisefreak

    January 11, 2014 at 2:20 pm

    Personally I think what is ideal in a situation where one is friends with both parties is to keep interaction with the “offending” party at the barest minimum. For instance, I became friends with a girl who was also a friend to the girl that slept with my boyfriend…. Staying friends with her was quite uncomfortable so I had to stop talking to my “friend” altogether.. Now all we do is like each other’s pictures on Instagram.. Lol

     
    • anagail

      January 11, 2014 at 2:22 pm

      Hahaha. Okay this shouldn’t be funny. But what if your boyfriend wanted to remain friends with his ex…or maybe a female friend and you are sure there is nothing between them?

       
      • poisefreak

        January 11, 2014 at 2:27 pm

        In my case, I am still friends with my boyfriend who became my ex, I forgave him because he was remorseful. The girl in question is still his friend, but he has been sensible enough to relate with me like she doesn’t exist. That is good enough for me.

         
      • anagail

        January 11, 2014 at 2:28 pm

        What if you met someone else who says he is not comfortable with you remaining friends with your ex?

         
      • poisefreak

        January 11, 2014 at 2:33 pm

        I would respect his wishes… But he’d really have to mean much to me to get me to consider that, the ex in question is more of a very good friend I can’t easily trifle with.

         
      • anagail

        January 11, 2014 at 2:37 pm

        LOL. Okay.

         
  7. Maureen

    January 20, 2014 at 1:39 pm

    Reblogged this on The Exceptional Elite and commented:
    A Must Read!!!

     

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