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Monthly Archives: December 2013

What Does A Man Really Want?

I had a very interesting evening with.a friend yesterday. In the course of the evening our discussion focused on what would attract a man to a woman. I think if World War Ill would be started by humans, it would be because men and women were locked in a room to.compare notes on what either party felt the other party wanted from the other in a serious relationship. 

While growing up, I had convinced myself that my looks were not my strongest point. Maybe this feeling was fueled by the fact that I have two fair skinned sisters, one older and one younger, so I was literally the ‘black sheep’. Secondly, I have always had ‘big bones’ so I was  can’t ever remember being model slim. Anyway, I believed that if I was ever going to find a guy, I had to build on other ‘virtues’. I had a good head, and I read somewhere that men were interested in ladies who could hold intelligent conversations with them. This was long before I learnt the word ‘sapiosexuals’.

So, I took it upon myself to get schooled on stuff men always liked to talk about; mainly sports and politics, and well, I became one of the boys…literally. Most of my friends from secondary school were guys who dared enough to engage me in conversation. The fact that my spoken English was above par and my analytical skills were beyond their level generally did not help matters. I was slowly building an intelligent Frankenstein that basically came in handy when a handful of guys I knew wanted to resolve some study or work related issue. The few guys I dated complained about my being too much of man.

Somewhere in the midst of all this confusion, I learnt a basic truth which my friend confirmed yesterday. A truth I wished I had learned back when I was in my teens. A truth which was right in front of me all the time. In the Bible book of Genesis, God put it this way: It is not good for the man to continue alone, so I am going to make a helper for him as a complement of him.

A woman is supposed to complete a man. In other words, she is supposed to bring to the table what a man does not already have. One of the major differences between a man and a woman is in their physical make up. Have you listened to man, even the geeks and nerds, describe what they want in a woman? Do you realise that they first talk about physical features?  They talk about how well endowed she should be. So much so that you can describe a guy based on the physical features he likes in a woman. Some will say they can’t date a lady who doesn’t have a full bosom while others would say their lady must have full bottoms. Of course there are people who do not fall into these two classes. Like those who say she must have an hour glass figure. Have you watched men react to the Calabar Festival or sat in their midst while they watched a beauty contest?

It took me sometime to realise that the need for intelligent conversations as the ultimate thing most men required in a relationship was really a myth that intelligent women created to make themselves happy. At the end of the day, no man actually wants to marry his fellow man. Most men want a woman who can cook, clean, decorate and maintain a home, have children and take care of them and generally be the woman in a relationship. They want a complement. If they wanted, say, a competitor they would remain single and hang out with the boys whenever they are able.

So, if I ever have a daughter, what advice would I give them growing up? Be a girl. Develop and enhance your feminine side. You may not be Miss Nigeria, but be confident in your own skin. Carry yourself with dignity and never forget that you are a lady and no one should expect you to be anything else. Take care of your skin and hair. Wear clothes that enhance your femininity. Always use your head. There is nothing that beats a combination of beauty and brains.

And of course, sapiosexuality is a very relative word. Never ever believe that the average man would ignore a woman with beauty and brains in favour of one who has brains only. And if you work to develop only one of the above you are sadly only half way there. When it comes down to it, a man wants a woman who can function both in the bedroom and the boardroom.

 
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Posted by on December 27, 2013 in Relationships

 

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Loneliness

Loneliness
Is when that single tear trickles down my face
Running over my cheek straight to my chin
Creating a trail, etched like the pain I feel
The pain of loneliness.

Loneliness
Is the silence I hear, my footsteps echoing in the hall
In place of the sounds of your laughter and chatter
The screams that once upon a time shattered
The stillness of loneliness

Loneliness
Is me missing you with every fibre of my being
Daily reminded of the many months that passed
When you resided deep inside of me
And banished loneliness

Loneliness is now
But it will not be forever
Soon…soon

 
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Posted by on December 25, 2013 in Poetry

 

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Can You Manage their Baggage.

I watched a TV show the other day anchored by Jerry Springler. Intresting show. (I use the word interesting loosely to mean ‘holding ones interest’). The show I watched was essentially about three women competing for the interests of a guy but they had to reveal in ascending order, their baggage. After the man has picked one of the three women he wants to date, he then reveals his biggest baggage and the lady decides whether she can, or wants to live with it.

While watching the show, it occurred to me how much baggage we carry over from previous relationships and I don’t mean only sexual ones. I also came to redefine the term baggage.

Before now, I used to think baggage was something inherently negative. Like some deep dark secret that you so do not want anyone to know about. But, I have come to learn that a baggage can also be something positive in your life which the person you are getting into a relationship with percieves as negative because he cannot live with it. 

For instance, a girl who has kept her virginity before marriage has done a good thing. But, she might meet a guy who wants ‘experience’ in that area and to him, her being a virgin or wantng to wait till she is married might be a baggage he cannot deal with. On the other hand, a woman with kids may consider herself as too much baggage for a guy who has never been married but he just may not even see this as baggage. What is considered baggage is therefore based on individual perception.

Everyone has baggage, but some people’s baggage is bigger than others. Again, how big or not a baggage is, depends on the person managing it. It is just like a person working in an organisation. While some people crack under very little pressure some pleasure in it. While some can only work 9-5, others would rather be entrepreneurs while yet others can run 14 to 20 hour shifts each day as long as they enjoy what they are doing.

The big question then is: can you manage their baggage? Then another question: how can you manage what you do not know? Which raises a further question: at what point should you reveal your baggage?

I think the answer to the final question is: share your baggage when you are good and ready and when you feel the relationship has progressed enough for you to be that vulnerable. And if it is baggage you cannot absolutely deal with, be upfront about it.

For instance, at the start of a relationship, there are upfront baggage that should be dealt with- will the relationship involve sex? Who will handle the finances? If the relationship leads to marriage, will you have any children? How many children will you have? What will be the relationship with in-laws? Questions like these reveal the baggage that a partner is bringing into the relationship. A man who is overly attached to his mother will probably insist that she visits often or even comes to stay with you. Can you as the woman deal with this? It may not be necessary to drive all the way to the bridge if you know you can’t cross it.

Some baggage will be unknowingly revealed by your partner. You just have to be observant and ask questions when you see a red flag. Does he bottle up emotions? Is she a big spender? Is he prone to anger? Is she overly aggressive, controlling? These traits can be observed through words and actions.

So, can you deal with their baggage? Honesty and openness on the part of both parties along with a measure of tolerance will provide the best answer.

 
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Posted by on December 21, 2013 in Relationships

 

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Love With Your Head

It starts
A decision made with the heart
Like the head has been ripped apart
You acquiesce to the sale of your soul
The moment you offer him your whole
You can’t stop to think things over
Under pheromones spell you hover
Just this once he will be your lover
Tomorrow the truth you’ll discover

It stops
You are finally free of the hypnosis
Like a bone laden with osteoporosis
Whittling wondering when you’ll break
As in your head begins that dull ache
Here what you should done at first
Before you let your feelings out burst
You should have asked about his baggage
And considered if it you can manage

Decisions of the heart should be made with the head
Because after all has been done you’ll be left with the said
And as they say you’d surely have made your bed
And all you’d be left with will be to lay your head
And sleep…or not.

 
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Posted by on December 18, 2013 in Poetry

 

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The Vow of Commitment

I love hearing love stories. Stories of people who have remained in their relationships through the odds and are still going strong. I think calling their relationship ‘love stories’ is putting it mildly. It might be more appropriate to call them triumph stories. To my mind, couples staying together in our day and age is a daily struggle.

I am surrounded by stories of failing relationships. Don’t get me wrong, I still see triumph stories. I have often asked people who stay together despite obvious challenges why they are still together. The answer is always a variation of one word: commitment.

Relationships endure when both partners are committed to staying together. You may choose to call it loyal love. That is, an attachment to someone until your purpose with that person is achieved. This commitment is always possible after one has made a vow to remain together. Little wonder that the promises exchanged during the wedding is referred to as a vow.

A vow is a solemn promise. One dictionary calls it a pledge, a commitment. It is like saying this is what I surely will do. Little wonder that the bible frowns at divorcing at every sort of ground. Your yes should certainly mean yes. A person who does not take his promises seriously or whose word you cannot take to the bank will definitely not make for a good marriage partner.

A couple who are committed to each other, will see beyond daily squabbles and transcend beyond daily difficulties. But, commitment does not come per chance. A person who generally has difficulty trusting others will find it difficult committing in a relationship.

Each time I think about the relationship between trust and commitment, I remember a scene from the animated movie where Ali asked the princess: ‘do you trust me? Then jump’. I think commitment is a leap of faith. It is a belief that your partner willl be there with the safety net when you do the jump. Your partner will be there because you believe he won’t stand around and let you hurt yourself.

Yet, commitment is not blind. It is not something you offer just because you are in a relationship with someone. Yet, it is not something you hold back and wait for the other party to offer first. Commitment is not selfish. This could be why during the wedding both parties exchange vows at the same time.

Of course in real life one person may become committed to the relationship before the other, or one maybe more commited to the relationship than the other, but the fact remains that if at some point in the relationship both partners must be committed to one another if they want their relationship to last.

So, if you have found someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, you do well to ask yourself: can I honestly make a vow of commitment to this person? What things in the relationship would make it impossible to keep to this solemn commitment? If you do find any, now is a good time to discuss it with them.

 
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Posted by on December 13, 2013 in Relationships

 

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I Cherish This Albatross…Not.

A bit to the left, some to the right
I wonder if there is any in between
Should I speak out, should I be silent
I wonder if there is a middle ground.

But he is my friend.
He can do no wrong
When he is wrong he is right.
I shift it to the left and then the right
I cherish this Albatross.

Three sides to the truth they say
Yours, mine and the truth
If I listen to you and he and the truth
I cant see, I am a fool, I am

But he is my friend.
He can do no wrong
When he is wrong he is right.
I shift it to the left and then the right
I cherish this Albatross

I have sat and considered this thing called friendship and the role of loyalty in it
This I have found.
Yes, this and one other.
Loyalty is not blind.
No, it shuts not its eyes to the truth. This third thing I have decided:
Loyalty without principles is not loyalty at all
Loyalty without principles is an albatross I dare not bear.

Your friendship is an albatross I cherish not.

 
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Posted by on December 11, 2013 in Poetry

 

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Your silence speaks

Your silence speaks
It speaks so loud I’ve had to stop up my ears
From hearing the screeching sound of  friendship’s brake
A friendship we once shared, a friendship we once knew.

Your silence speaks
It whispers so loudly that it tickles my ear
I wonder how much louder the din can get.
I wonder now and I wonder again of a friendship lost, lost to time.

Your silence speaks
Howling like the wind in a harmattan eve
Blowing over stalks and bending them over
Reminding me of how the test of friendship bent you, broke you.

Your silence speaks
And I weep
I weep for what could have been
I weep for your silence

 
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Posted by on December 7, 2013 in Poetry

 

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