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Monthly Archives: June 2012

Goodbye

I remember the time
Time stood still for you and I
I couldn’t eat cos you were not nigh
When if you walked by
My heart beat a patter like I would die

I remember the time
The birds of heaven up above
Hovered and sang of our great love
When if you I thought of
My heart soared and dipped like a dove

I remember the time
When the young Cupid’s arrow
Tore through joints and e’en my marrow
When if you had any sorrow
With me you’d share your now and tomorrow

I remember the time
When down the beach we walked
In my dreams and we just talked
When if I had but stalked
My love for you would never have balked

But those times are now gone
I let you go cos your heart is won
By another. This race we run
Can only go all in all to one
Only one can truly be your hon’

And now my heart is torn
Through years of use my heart is worn
And settled with feelings so forlorn
Take out the trumpet, blow the horn
In silence. Goodbye.

Love…is not self seeking. Love never fails.

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Posted by on June 29, 2012 in Poetry

 

Reprieve

The clouds gather
Chasing off the breeze of summer
Asunder
One drifts and then another
Rumbles of thunder
I shudder

The rain drops piti-pata
My heart’s beat: ‘palava’
Shattered
Like pieces of China
Hopes of peace and laughter
Unrecovered

Out of the storm breaks out the sun like a song
Sung only by a throng
A throng in believe
That conceive
A song of reprieve
Salvation receive

The sun’s smile, accede
Dark clouds, recede
Rejoicing proceed
Out of my heart. I won’t cede
To pain nor these tears heed
I shall smile though I’m still in need
Of love. Let my heart bleed
In hope indeed!

Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil.

 
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Posted by on June 28, 2012 in Poetry

 

Variety in One!

Just recently, a friend asked me if married people ever got tired of sex. What he meant was whether married people ever got bored with their sex lives. I was tempted to ask him if people ever got tired of eating. When you really think of it, in many ways sex is like food. Hasn’t an excuse men give for cheating been that you can’t eat one type of soup daily and not get bored?

Indeed, sex can get boring and loose its taste in marriage. A quick fix would be to go out and find “another type of soup”. However, like all quick fixes this has a downside. How many restaurants would you have to visit with on this journey of finding different soup? And with the various STD’s floating around, you just might eat something you weren’t exactly looking for. But think of this, what if it was possible for you to eat this various types of ‘soup’ and yet you can find this soup in one place? Imagine if you can have a restaurant that serves all dishes including the exotic and the intercontinental, wouldn’t that be something you would be interested in? Aha! Did that catch your interest? Then let us talk about how you can build this restaurant and get served these exquisite dishes in the comfort of your home.

The first part of restaurateurs business is getting customers to come into the restaurant. This post will not however be dedicated to getting the customer in. I want to believe that if you are married you have already done that part. We shall be focusing on the other part, the harder part if you may, which involves keeping your customer coming back.

Have you ever heard the phrase the customer is king? If you want to become a successful restaurateur, a key element is to always remember that. Do you make your partner feel like a king (queen) when you are together? Do you find innovative ways of doing that each time? Let us look at a scenario: if you are the man in the relationship and you always take the lead when it comes to sex, can you let your spouse be king by doing what they want. Do you know what your partner’s sexual fantasy is? Have you ever played it out? Why not find out today and make him king? The key here is to try out their fantasy, you may not like it eventually, but the fact that you were willing to give it try goes a long way.

I will tell you about my friend, we’ll call her Debbie. Now Debbie’s husband likes to be given BJ’s. The little snag is that Debbie hates giving heads. The thought of putting a penis in her mouth is a total turn off. Sexual incompatibility right? Well there were two solutions: The quick fix would be that the husband finds someone willing and able to give BJ’s. The other would be that Debbie compromises and does this one for him. We found a solution. Debbie’s main problem was the taste of the sperm and so we found something to masquerade that taste. Enter Honey, stage left. By coating the husband in honey, Debbie was able to fulfil this task without it leaving a sour taste in her mouth.

Another thing a restaurateur knows is how to come up with “specials”. They have house specials and they keep changing this daily. Do you have a daily special? Or is it the same old same old each time? Do you go out of your way to learn how to create a ‘special’? Make no mistake, a restaurateur will travel wide and scour family recipes to find that something that would make the meal really special, it could be a spice; it could be how the meal is prepared. The important thing is that he finds a way of making it special. Now when was the last time you found out about sexual positions? Have you ever researched on how to make that style your partner loves so much even more exciting by adding a special ‘spice’? Have you researched on what else can contribute to the joy of that meal aside from the meal itself? Does your bedroom look like a place someone should be getting some? Do you invest in scents that act as aphrodisiacs?

Tony and Bunmi were two special people. Their courtship didn’t last that long, just about a year, but you could see the chemistry between them. They were hardly able to keep their hands away from each other. Just a year after their marriage Bunmi had their first baby: a wonderful bundle of joy. Within the next three years she had two more and her sexual vibrancy died as the babies came alive. Tony was quick to grow resentful of the babies thinking his wives change was because of them. Now does he go for the quick fix? The problem really was that Bunmi, like most other women, saw sex as an emotional thing. Sex did not start with getting into bed. It starts with what happened during the day, the scents, and the sights. Presently, the home smelled like babies and diapers. Tony took time out to find a special scent that doubles as a turn on and suddenly Bunmi came back.

Where would a restaurant be if they didn’t offer impeccable service? I’ll tell you where: they’ll be going down! What makes for impeccable service? Common courtesies, a clean environment, speed of service all play a huge role. Let us talk about a clean environment. My mother-in-law, euphemistically refers to a woman’s genitals as her workshop. When I married my husband, she came in to give me lessons on cleaning my workshop-I was almost 30. The fact is, many ladies out there need lessons on how to keep the tool of their business clean. Do you wash the area regularly with soap and water? Do you apply perfume to keep it smelling nice? Do you invest in sexy underwear? Do you wash your underwear? Do you iron them? Do you know what colours turn him on? Do you surprise him sometimes by going without?

A friend of mine told me about a trick she used when she sensed her husband was loosing interest. She wore a night dress that reached just below her hips and walked up to him where he was reading a newspaper on the sofa. She passed by him a couple of times and he didn’t take note of her. So she walked over to the dining table and picked a bunch of keys and when she was right in front of him she dropped the key noisily causing him to look up and then she bent over, hips right in front of his eyes and picked the key. She had decided to go without!

A good restaurant also knows how to give the customer more than they bargained for. This helps keep the business of visiting the restaurant fresh. Again I ask: how many sexual styles do you know? Can you identify the following: butterfly, doggy, missionary, cowgirl, spoons, standing, rick saw, happy landing, stick shift, ying yang, three o’clock appointment, slinky, rock a thigh baby, private lap dance, stand at erection? If you can’t identify at least 7 then you do need to do some serious research!

Guys remember, finding out about sex is not just the woman’s job, although it makes it a whole lot more fun and exciting if she does more than just lie there and let you do your thing. If you do not want your woman straying off, it would be a good idea to keep dating her after marriage. That way, she wouldn’t have the energy to find someone else to do the job for you.

Sex after marriage can grow monotonous and drab. Do not fall for “we were meant for each other business”. If the spirit revealed your spouse to you, then by all means work with the spirit to keep your spouse with you always! Restaurant business is serious business, but if you approach it with the diligence of an entrepreneur and do your business right, you will keep the customer returning.

 
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Posted by on June 22, 2012 in Relationships, Sex and Marriage

 

Fellow Nigerians, Let Us Sit Together and Eat Suya

Prologue: I had written this article before the Vanguard article broke. But, yes, it did inspire the title!

It has become as regular as the weather report: bombings in Northern Nigeria. Followed by statements by the citizenry and then the executive. Statements such as: ‘Let them kill themselves’, ‘Why are any Christians even still there, cant they leave?’, ‘Let the country just divide self!’ are rife. Depending on which end of the divide you are, you may agree with some of these sentiments or see them as mere emotional statements born out of frustration. The fact remains, however, that the scourge of bombings is reaching alarming levels with the perpetrators seeming to grow stronger and bolder with each strike.

Some have called for tougher actions. Declaring a state of emergency in Local Government Areas and military presence does not seem to deter the bombers. Arrest of their leaders only creates heroes of them and martyrs of those slain such that the next in hierarchy are further emboldened. Calls for tougher actions have come in the form of asking Christians to carry arms as well and do ‘return evil for evil’. Some have wished for an Obasanjo who would go in and crush the troublemakers like he did at Udi!

For others, it is a lack of political will on the part of the politicians. If they can find the political will, then the Boko Haram issue will be a thing of the past. In all this, most people I have met seem to spend so much time analysing the problem and blowing it up to the most sensational proportions and when asked for solutions they mutter unintelligible words and walk away like the Pharisees in Jesus day who refused to cast the first stone.

These days, Nigeria, for diplomatic reasons, has stopped referring to this sect as terrorists. But a consideration of how other countries have dealt with the issue of terrorism will go a long way to help us in finding solutions to this problem. Personally, I refuse to believe that the government is just seated back waiting for the country to implode, or as some alarmists would have us believe, or that this is a PDP plot to reduce the Northern population in a bid to create a Southern majority against 2015. What I do believe is that the ‘government’ can not win this war alone. There are actions we must take as individuals to win this war against terror.

One of my biggest problems with the citizenry of Nigeria is our innate and insatiable need to dump everything at the foot of the Federal Government. No water, no light, no roads, whatever service it is, is the fault of the Federal Government. We have refused to acknowledge that certain issues fall in what is referred to as the ‘residual list’. There are yet others in the ‘concurrent list’ before we arrive at the ‘exclusive list’. These days, the Federal Government has moved some of these issues around. So some things in the exclusive list in the 80’s may now be found in the concurrent list, like power generation for instance.

How many of us can name 10 things in the residual list?

You may be wondering what all this has got to do with the bomb attacks and the Boko Haram group. It is all about holding government at all levels accountable. There are levels of government so that government can be closer to the people, but years of military rule has caused a strong dependence on the Federal Government and even with a democratic government in place, we still want everything to come from the centre.

Just as moral decay can be traced to the failure of the family unit, security issues can be traced to problems with Local Government Administration. For example, although security is not a function of LGA’s, a factor that eventually contributes to our being secure is in the list of their functions and that is the registration of births, deaths and marriages. You would agree that having deaths and birth documented is vital to curbing the issue of insecurity. Plus, the LGA’s are expected to collaborate with the State Government in the provision of primary education. Do you doubt that a more educated population would lead to greater security? Has it not been argued again and again, that one reason why suicide bombing seems attractive is the lower level of education in the North? If we begin to insist that government at this level do what they are supposed to do, will we not be able to do away with some of the major challenges that contributes to insecurity in the land?

But of course, insisting that the Boko Haram menace is an economic one would be over simplifying the matter, even as claiming that it is all about religious domination-as if we were back in the days of Uthman Dan Fodio- would be totally unrealistic. The Boko Haram menace is a holistic problem and would require a holistic solution. There is no such thing as a quick fix or an easy way to do it. As I said before, we need to look to countries that have faced similar issues and see how they went about managing the problem. Take note that I have not said solve. As one author puts it and I agree: the only war against terrorism that ends quickly is the one the terrorists win. But then again, we are not fighting terrorists, or are we? Semantics!

One thing we can not sweep under the carpet is the religious angle to Boko Haram. Again and again, they have claimed that their fight is a religious one and the recent targeting of churches seems to back up this claim. Yet, the Muslim you meet on the street would tell you they don’t support Boko Haram and they live up to this by sometimes going out of their way to be at peace with their fellow Nigerians. I have a number of Muslim friends and I have never had cause to entertain any xenophobic thoughts towards them and they have never given me reason to. Does it not seem then that when we begin to engage in reprisal attacks against the ‘enemy’, we are letting the true enemy win?

I read somewhere that as a deterrent to suicide bombings, the US government had to prevail against the Saudi authorities to raise a Fatwa against suicide bombings. Is it not about time that the Muslim religious leaders took a firm stand against the killings in the North? Can they raise a Fatwa?

And then there is the political angle to Boko Haram. I want to believe that at the point the authorities must be very close to find the source of funding for Boko Haram. I have deliberately not said: found the people sponsoring Boko Haram. I believe finding the source of the funds is more important than finding the people. Operations like what we see Boko Haram carrying require a lot of funding. If the Boko Haram Overlords are too big a fish, then follow the money and put a stopper to it anyway you legitimately can. Most of the time, groups like this that are more political than ideological die when their source of funds wither.

A war can be won without firing a gun shot, it has been done before and it can be done again. But some wars require both firepower and psychological tactics. This is one of the latter and whether we like it or not, we all have a stake in this war. Though the weapons of our warfare can not always be physical, we can win- Yes we can!

Epilogue: Unless you are a vegetarian, u probablly like suya (barbecued meat sold predominantly by the Northerners). Suya spots are places where we meet up with friends and have fun. I know of Underground in Apapa, nice place. We should not allow xenophobic tendencies keep us away from suya.
Fellow Nigerians, let us sit down together and eat suya.

 
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Posted by on June 19, 2012 in General