Monthly Archives: May 2012

Trapped in Love

Three Couples! Three Stories! Same Predicament!

Damian and Funke have been dating for over a year, they love each other. Funke can only see him weekends because she has a full schedule as a bank executive during the week. Damian is currently unemployed. When they do meet, they each make several withdrawals from their bank of love. Damian complains endlessly of his sorry life: he can’t seem to get a job and nothing is working. Funke tries to be empathetic mostly but sometimes the frustration and stress of work and caring for her younger siblings gets to her. Their meeting ends in a shouting match! But on Sunday evening Damien comes around, apologises and they settle the quarel with a kiss…well, more than a kiss!

Felix and Cheta are in love. They have been married for over three years. They have a lovely son and all her friends envy her. Cheta was lucky to have grabbed him.

Felix and Cheta had abstained during courtship for purely religious reasons. Felix had been sexually active before and would often regale Cheta with tales of how high his libido is. Cheta was happy. Didn’t her married friends often complain that their husbands came too fast?

After marriage, Cheta discovered that Felix could be high on something else as well. Sometimes he would even come home for ‘lunch’ and could go on for hours. ‘Dinner’ never was enough!

At first, Cheta didn’t mind. Wasn’t this proof that he loves her? But as the months rolled into a year, Cheta felt Felix should cool down-he didn’t. Things took a bad twist when Felix didn’t seem to hear her say no. He would force himself on her if she resisted him. It was as if he was possessed by a demon when he wanted it and would go to any lengths to get it.

These days sex between them has become a rote. Felix does not seem to mind and neither does Cheta’s body but her mind has taken to wondering. Felix makes up by buying her expensive gifts.

Udoh and Maureen have been courting for 2 years. They hope to get married soon. Udoh is caring to a fault and hates to see Maureen hurt. Maureen loves him for this and can not think of anything separating them-not even his temper.

They are due to be married in a few months. Maureen’s friends and family have stopped telling her it is a bad idea. When Udoh gets angry, which is not very often, the root is always something Helen said or did or didn’t! Helen believes that if she can keep to Udoh’s rules which often includes preventing things beyond her control, they would be fine.

Like the day Maureen got a text. Udoh was closer to the phone and picked it. After reading the text, his anger visited and Maureen ended up in the hospital. It turned out the sext was sent to Maureen in error, a misplacement of the last two digits. Udoh was contrite, as always, and promised it would never happen again. Maureen believed. Love believes all things, doesn’t it.

Funke’s only wish is that Damian gets a job. Cheta wishes that she will get a drug that will make her become Felix’s match in bed and Maureen’s wish is that God grants her the grace to never get Udoh angry.

Funke, Cheta and Maureen all swear they are still in love with their partners. They believe that someday, if they pray, work and trust hard enough, they will conquer. Love conquers all!

But is love always enough?


Posted by on May 16, 2012 in Relationships


What’s in a Length?

Men can be just plain dumb!

No apologies.

They are dumber when it comes to issues that has to do with their manhood *read sex and allied affairs* I’m yet to meet a guy who isn’t the best in bed or who doesn’t make his woman feel like a w-o-m-a-n *smiles* Men always feel a need to brag about their penis length and libidos as if 10 inches makes them any more a man than 4 inches!

Quick question though, if all men are busy making their women so happy, why are there so many women in relationships who are so unhappy about their sex life?

Stella has been unhappy for a while, her husband Timothy -she swears he is a full nine inches- has not been keeping her happy. They do it often enough- about 3 times a week- and she comes each time, officially! *winks* Unofficially, she doesn’t. Stella has over the years mastered the art of fake orgasms, complete with nail digging and throwing around dirty words.

Just the previous week, Timothy had boasted how he was having the time of his life in his marriage these days. Truth is Stella was seeing another guy and fantasizes about him while making poor Timothy feel he is the man!

I am in no way saying Stella is right, but if you guys ever bothered to ask for a checklist and write down in descending of what really keeps a woman happy in a relationship, you would find that the size of your peepees may come way down in the list of most women. *here’s a list you may want to check out * In fact, you may discover that the women who are constantly harping on penis size are essentially virgins who are just following a stereotype that the media has set down for them!

This is not to say women do not enjoy sex. But this hardly has to do with penis length. In fact a recent study of 50 women showed that 45 were more interested in penis width than the length *You can find the study here* A woman’s enjoyment of sex is often more psychological than physical which is why women are more likely to be in love with the object of their sexual desire.

It takes the average woman 12 to 14 minutes to reach an orgasm while it takes a man 2-3 minutes. The question is 12 minutes from when? Answer: from when she is sexually stimulated. Of course for some women it is shorter and for other women it is way longer. So if you guys could just quit being selfish and pay more attention, we could actually set the clock from foreplay and just when she’s ready you can get your 2 minutes of fame!

So instead of spending so much time celebrating your manhood and boasting about how that orgasm is too real to be faked, take out time and learn something about what really makes your woman happy and how you can make her wake up with the glow the next day and tell you sincerely ‘you rock my world’!


Posted by on May 13, 2012 in Woman2man


The Math of BreadWinning

Nnenna earns her salary in dollars, wears fancy designer clothes and dines in the most expensive restaurants. She’ll be 40 this year and in spite of her trim figure and baby face-which could make her pass for 25- she is still unmarried. She spent the entire Sunday afternoon lamenting how in the past year no guy has stopped to ask her if she is in the business of, as she said in Igbo ‘ma nnae go e go ka nna posa a posa’ roughly translated ‘whether she is already shopping or just opening shop’! I passed her the tissue.

Nnenna is beautiful, intelligent, earns top dollar and is very single all because men find her intimidating. The guy she dated fresh out of the university suddenly broke up with her after she got a promotion that put her above salarywise. All other guys that she’s dated seem to be more interested in driving around her L4 than in talking marriage.

There seems to be something about a woman with power that sends men scurrying away in fright. This is perhaps not unconnected with the believe, in our patriarchal society, that men are supposed to provide for their women. Its just surprising though that these same men who are so intent at being breadwinners do not care much about the emotional well being of their partners! *That is subject for another blogpost*

Men want to be in control. And in their math of bread-winning, the theory is that he who earns more is automatically in charge. Therefore, a woman who earns more will start acting like the man, will lack respect and be more arrogant! Hmm.

Would we blame them though? Some women do make men feel like a broke guy is a broken guy. Like Kunbi. Kunbi has never earned a kobo more than her husband both before and after marriage. But there was this time that her husband lost his job! According to her, he would come home early, never raise a voice against and was generally loving and understanding. She took full advantage, subjecting him to the worst of treatments and showing him what a ‘man’ she can be!

Men and their fragile egos can not seem to handle ladies like my dear Nnenna but will end up marrying Tigresses like Kunbi who would take advantage of their time of weakness. When would men come to the realisation that the true judge of a woman’s character is not the strength of her bank account? When will men stop creating and believing the stereotypes they create? But really, why should it matter who earns more if we’re pooling our resources and playing on the same team? But alas this is not always the case!

Until men…and sometimes women, get over the what’s-mine-is-mine-and-what’s-yours-is-ours-attitude, the size of a woman’s take-home will continue to affect her opportunities at marriage! Until then, ladies like Nnenna would have to lie about what they earn or down play their economic status so that equation for bread-winning is not disproved!


Posted by on May 13, 2012 in Woman2man


And the winner is…

Awards are always a great event to look forward to. No matter the industry a person belongs to, people who distinguish themselves look forward to being awarded at such events. It’s a moment of glitz and glamor when winners shine and losers live to win another day. The goal of awards, of course, is primarily to honor persons who have distinguished themselves from their peers. A person is awarded for a deed done.

The motion picture industry all over the world holds awards to reward the darlings of the screen who keep us smiling with spectacular performance. Such awards often keep individuals glued to their TV sets to see if their stars will pick a statue. Some of these awards are prestigious and rightly so because they are credible and very transparent. For such awards, there is a strong structure on ground, there are rules as to how people are nominated and voted. That is why they say if you have been nominated, you are already a winner.

The question then is: what process is followed in prestigious awards to ensure that they are credible and transparent? This is important because no one would want to pick an award that is not worth the wood it is carved out of. Indeed, what good is an award, if the people in your industry would send you the traditional ‘yimu’ after you have picked it?

The Oscars is a prestigious award. It has been held yearly since 1929. Oscar night is a big deal all over the world as networks jostle to get rights to broadcast live to those so unfortunate as not to be there to witness the event. The red carpet reads like the who is who in Hollywood and everyone that is in the motion picture industry and who cares about Hollywood would definitely clear their schedules to be there whether they are nominated for awards or not.

The Oscars generates such a huge buzz in the media. The 84th academy awards had a whooping 37 million viewers worldwide and millions more joined in conversations about the Oscars through social media such as Twitter.

You would agree with me that The Oscars is a transparently run award but not everyone has always agreed with this. It is on record that George C. Scott and Marlon Brando rejected Oscar Awards for transparency reasons in 1970 and 1972 respectively. The response from The Oscars board was to make the awards less ‘racist’ and the process more inclusive. Of course in the show biz industry image and perception is everything.

The rules for entry into the Oscars are clearly stated and sometimes modified in order to make the process more transparent. You can find entry qualification into the Oscars here. http:/

Of course every award has a right to set its own rules and standards, but when you want to start off something new, you tend to do an analysis of existing trends to see how to better them. I shall now dwell on some features of The Oscars rules for entry and voting that makes the process more transparent.

The first is that any entry into the Oscars must be publicly exhibited. Even foreign films are given a window to exhibit in a cinema for at least seven days. How does this help transparency? For starters, as any creative writer knows the process of creative writing does not end until you have published it. You can not claim you have completed production if you have not exhibited your production in public domain. A private screening where you invite your friends is not an exhibition, as what this basically yields is a critique of your production in case you need to go do some more work on it. This would best qualify as part of the editing process. Plus, as any mass communicator would tell you, the communication process is not complete until you get feedback from your audience.

The second is the number of persons that make up the academy. The Oscars has about 6,000 persons that make up the academy. These 6,000 represent the 15 different categories of individuals involved in the process of film making. This includes actors, directors, editors, screenwriters and so on. In fact, each of these categories get to nominate who wins awards in each of their areas of influence, so directors nominate directors and so on and at the end of the day the jurors sit to analyze and select the top nominees and then the members of the academy again vote for winners and the winner of course is known to only 2 persons until the announcement is made.

The process of exhibiting publicly and then having such a large number involved in the process of nomination goes a long way to give transparency and credibility to the entire process. If you do not win, it simply means that your friends in the industry after viewing your work felt that the work of your other friend is better and so you have no choice but to accept the decision of the majority.

I must repeat that EVERY award body has the right to set its own rules. The use of the Oscars as a case study is just to show how far some bodies have gone to make the process transparent. While 10 people can sit and decide who wins what, you will readily agree that not many would feel that the process is transparent enough.

I sincerely hope that anyone interested in running transparent awards in Nigeria and beyond would take a cue from the Oscars so that when we hear ‘and the winner is…’ we will all rise and give the winner a standing ovation for a win well deserved.


Posted by on May 7, 2012 in General, NollyWood